Happiness is not for me...

Ruffa, Shawie and I met Madam last night at Dencios, Jupiter to have some stress reducing girl talk. Fresh from her trip to Singapore, Madam gave us some little souvenirs. As usual we had some great updates on the recent happenings of our COLORful fab lives. The biggest shock of the evening was the obvious 360 degrees turn of a very optimistic Shawie back to her alter ego cynical Miranda mode(sex and the city) in terms of love. Unusual for the girl that sometime last year, she was one of my hopeful and yearning for love girl friend. But then I already observed her change of face for the past few weeks that we two bonded together. My suspicion proved to be true because last night, she revealed that her love of life Mr. A, recently tied a knot with his longtime girlfriend. So I greatly understand what Shawie is really having right now.

Anyway, I also shared to them my recent dilemma in regards to my recent love life. Dont get me wrong I really love to hear their frank, objective, balance opinions to keep me grounded. Sometimes what they say are very hurtful but I always know that the truth is always painful. But I still listened to them with my open hearts forever. Yet, still Im the captain of my own ship. So anything they say sometimes doesnt matter when I started to fall in love. As a matter of fact Im a hard headed and super very weak person in this area of life. You know sometimes I just want to keep to myself the joy of being in love. I sometimes feel the urge not to share my feelings anymore to my friends. It sometimes enters my mind that I dont know if they really understand anymore what I feel. Because most of them really fall out of love already and they are all cynical persons now. Honestly, Im the one who always tried to link them to some guys in the past, because Im very hopeful that the time will come they would find their true match and to see all of us with our special someone. I really treasure them as my friends, no doubt about it. They are the ones who's always there during my depression and joyful eras. But sometimes I still wonder or I seem to think that when it comes to my wonderful relationships they are not that appreaciative even though I know deep in my heart that those affairs are successful. Forgive me readers if im not makin sense anymore. My state of mind right now is confused and blurred by recent turn of events these past few weeks. I just want to get this thing off of my chest.

One thing I can proudly say today that somehow Im very glad that in my life I tried to give relationships with men a try. The simple fact of experiencing what it feels to like or to be with a guy is a great joy enough. What more is that Im really blessed with the experience of having fantastic relationships with genuinely nice but not so perfect ideal guys in my lifetime. The experience of somebody really appreciating me (minus the material things) with all their mighty good intent efforts are just a special bonus and great enough to live comfortably happy for the rest of my life and see the world in a different positive perspetive.